-Mike A.

I believe this to be a question of personal preference, but here are some suggestions based on different guys’ styles in the sack:

For the conceited stud: 2001: A Space Odyssey

This movie about a large, black, phallic monolith from outer space prominently features Richard Strauss’ classical piece, “Also sprach Zarathustra.”  The song rides a slow, pounding drum beat into an epic climax that reeks of pomp and self-importance…perfect for those narcissistic guys who can’t have sex unless there’s a mirror involved.

For the premature ejaculator: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

You’ll want to turn this movie off after about two minutes, which is, unfortunately, all the time some guys need in bed.

For the hopeless romantic with a sense of humor: Mannequin

Five words: “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now.”  It’s the song that made Andrew McCarthy fall in love with an animate department store dummy (played by Kim Cattrall) in the quintessential ’80s flick, Mannequin.  That being said, I think it’ll do for you and your human girlfriend.

For the guy who can’t get it up: Rudy

Even the most lamest of lovers will be spurred into action upon hearing the “Tryouts Theme” from this football classic.  With its heartfelt strings and thunderous horns, you’ll have all the inspiration you’ll need to split her uprights.

Send your questions to sendyourcaqs@gmail.com

If you have sex with Siamese twins is it a 3some? Or does it really just matter how many vaginas there are?

-Ian P.

Now here’s a doozy.  It’s questions like these that Descartes and Kant would have turned over in their minds if banging Siamese twins was fashionable back in their day.  First off, whether it’s considered a threesome or not, having sex with Siamese twins is an impressive feat all by itself.  But if you really need to know, here are my two cents on the matter:

In the eyes of the law, Siamese twins are two, distinct persons, so you can technically consider amorous relations with a set as being a threesome.  However, that’s operating under the assumption that both twins are into you.  It’s entirely possible that one twin wants to have sex with you, but the other does not.  In that case, the other one is just along for the ride and cannot be considered a willing participant in your now defunct threesome.  (Think of it as being forced to drive a friend to McDonald’s, even though you’re not hungry.)

The second part of your question concerning the uh…anatomy, well, that adds another layer to the mystery.  After much deliberation, I don’t think the number of hoohahs present really matters.  For example, if you were to have relations with someone who has three vaginas, you can’t brag to your friends how you just scored with three girls.  I think all that matters is how many heads/brains are attached to the body with which you’re having sex, and whether or not all of them are into it.

In short, what it boils down to is free will.

Send your questions to sendyourcaqs@gmail.com

In the realm of females and flatulence:

-What do you think is the appropriate amount of time you need to be with a chick before you start tearing ass in front of her?
-Where do you stand on girl farting? (Is it cute? Gross? Just a myth?)

-Mike A.

A two-part question about chicks and farts – what is this, a Bush press conference?  (Remember that guy?).  Despite my making fun, this is actually a very serious subject.  I’ve seen many a relationship go down the shitter (literally) due to matters of the sphincter. Let’s start with the first part of your question.

Knowing the right time to fart in front of your girlfriend is just as important as knowing the right time to introduce her to your parents, or the right time to let her know about your secret, homoerotic fascination with Chris Pine.  (Just me? Okay.)  So, what’s the answer?  Never.  That’s right, you should never fart in front of your girlfriend.  Confused?  Well, my answer to the second part of your question will explain my answer to the first.

Where do I stand on a girl farting? Is it cute? No. Is it gross? Yes. Is it just a myth? Bingo.  The girl-fart is, indeed, a myth because it MUST be.  Girls aren’t supposed to fart, because that would be gross.  So, in our minds, we need to convince ourselves that girls aren’t capable of farting.  How do we do that? We agree that if they don’t fart, we won’t either.  Out of sight, out of mind, right?

This might seem extreme, but trust me, it’s the only way to go.  Once you fart in front of your girlfriend, it’s telling her that it’s okay for her to do the same.  And that, my friend, is a door not worth opening.

Send your questions to sendyourcaqs@gmail.com

That’s the question posed to me by David K. – and a very good question at that.

Yes, the “fold or roll” dilemma has been around ever since the very inception of toilet paper.  (In fact, I’d be willing to bet it even preceded toilet paper, as cavemen argued over how to best wipe themselves with leaves.)  The inexperienced layperson would most probably say that this is a matter of personal preference, but I disagree.

First, let me establish my credibility on the subject by saying that I have experimented with both methods.  I’m also a very heavy eater, so my sample size from which to draw conclusions is pretty large.

Moving on…

Taking into account all the variables, I’ve found folding to be the superior of the two methods.  Sure, rolling provides your hand with more protection from the “elements” and allows more freedom of movement, however, folding (and then refolding) will yield many more wipes per square of toilet tissue.  This might be more time-consuming, but you’ll be conserving resources and, in turn, saving money.

You see?  It’s just like Deep Throat said: “follow the money.”

Send your questions to sendyourcaqs@gmail.com

-Molly S.

This is a topic very near and dear to my heart, seeing as I spend most my time on the Internet.  Funny cat pictures and pornography are two of the main pillars on which the entire Internet stands (the others being Nigerian Craigslist scams and inane tweets from Ashton Kutcher), so losing one’s ability to partake in such pleasures can be a drag.  But fear not, there are real world alternatives.

You can start by terrorizing your own pets.  Dress them up like old Hollywood movie stars, hang them from clotheslines, etc.  If you don’t own any pets, try catching a squirrel.  It’s not exactly a cat and it might take a while, but it should occupy your time until your Internet connection is back up and running.

As for the pornography, you’re in better luck—it’s pretty much everywhere nowadays thanks to American Apparel ads, Hip Hop music videos and the entire HBO Sunday night lineup.  Scouring the airwaves for the slightest hint of skin will take you back to your youth, a simpler time before the Internet when acquiring porn was an Indiana Jones-type crusade, replacing the Holy Grail with boobies and the Nazis with your mom.

Well, I hope that gets you through these tough times, Molly, but seeing as your Internet doesn’t work, you probably won’t even be able to read this, making it all for naught.  Bummer.

Send your questions to sendyourcaqs@gmail.com

Sadly, I get this type of question all the time:

I think my girl might be cheating on me. How can I know for sure?

-Mike R.

Let’s face it, Mike, there’s nothing funny about infidelity.  One minute the relationship is going great. The next, you find out that Tammy, your girlfriend of three and a half years, has been sexing your best buddy Brent — right in your own apartment no less — while you were out at the coffee shop writing articles for your blog.

So, how do you know for sure if your girlfriend is cheating on you?  Well, for starters, when you go down to the coffee shop to write said articles for said blog and your girl says, “Hey, why don’t you call me when you’re on your way back to the apartment,” that’s probably a red flag right there.  Also, when your best buddy Brent repeatedly asks you what time do you generally go down to the coffee shop to write said articles for said blog, that’s probably an even redder flag. What’s more, when you find an email on your girlfriend’s Blackberry that says, “Hey Tammy, Thanks for the wild sex when Chris was out at the coffee shop writing articles for his blog. That was awesome. – Brent” then, my friend, it’s pretty clear what’s going on.

Now, being able to realize when your girlfriend is cheating on you is great and all, but knowing how to prevent it from even happening in the first place is far more valuable.  And how do you do that?  It’s simple: For the love of god, don’t do your writing down at the coffee shop.  Do it right in your own damn apartment.  Why can’t you? Hell, you pay half the rent.  Also, the next time you see your best friend, hit him square in the face because chances are he’s already planning to “hit” your girl…in the vagina.

Send your questions to sendyourcaqs@gmail.com
]]> http://caqs.wordpress.com/2009/09/09/caq-2-how-do-i-know-if-my-girlfriend-is-cheating-on-me/feed/ 0 ANGELINA FAUXLIE http://caqs.wordpress.com/2009/08/02/caq-1-how-do-i-get-thrown-out-of-a-wedding-reception/ http://caqs.wordpress.com/2009/08/02/caq-1-how-do-i-get-thrown-out-of-a-wedding-reception/#comments Sun, 02 Aug 2009 17:46:44 +0000 Chris http://caqs.wordpress.com/?p=3 ]]> Not long after I started soliciting questions from the internets, a person by the name of Jay M. emailed me with this:

My family is dragging me to a wedding reception. I hate these people’s guts and would like to cause a scene, with the ultimate goal of getting thrown out. Got any ideas?

Yes I have, Jay.  Oftentimes we are forced to attend a wedding reception against our will. When leaving on your own accord simply isn’t an option, causing a disruption and getting thrown out is definitely the best way to go. Sure, it’ll be embarrassing, but you must ask yourself this: Are the extra hours you’ll have watching football at home (or whatever it is women do in their free time) worth that five or so minutes of embarrassment? I think you’ll agree, the answer is “yes.”

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Ask the band or DJ if there will be karaoke. If they say “no,” grab the microphone anyway and start belting out your worst rendition of “Sexual Healing,” or anything by Air Supply.
2. When approached by an hors d’oeuvres server, fill up your plate with as many items as you can fit. When the server feels you’ve taken enough and walks away, follow him or her to the next group of people and repeat.
3. Go up to the groom and demand “prima nocta.” If you don’t know what this is, watch Braveheart.
4. Incessantly annoy the bartender by using out-of-date drink terminology. Also, call him “Lou” no matter what his actual name is. For example, “Hiya Lou, whaddya say you fix a cat up with four fingers of Rot Gut? And don’t scrimp on the sassafras.”
5. Find the oldest woman at the party and start hitting on her. Note: This also works with the youngest girl at the party, but see “Warnings” below.
6. When the waiter comes around to take your dinner order, demand the kosher dish if you’re at a Christian wedding, the vegan dish if you’re at a Jewish wedding, or the kosher dish if you’re at an Islamic wedding.
7. Yell “FREE BIRD!” as loud as you can during the wedding couple’s spotlight dance.
8. Intercept the bouquet during the bouquet toss, then run across the reception hall and spike it into a buffet tray full of Chicken Marsala.

WARNINGS:

• You must commit to the act with unabashed malevolence. If you proceed in a half-assed or jovial manner, the wedding guests and catering staff will just chalk your behavior up to drunken tomfoolery.
• Some of these antics could get you arrested, so use your own discretion.