CAQ #7: WHAT MOVIE SCORE/SOUNDTRACK IS THE BEST TO HAVE SEX TO?

If you had your choice–and the lady was down with it–what movie score would you have sex to?

-Mike A.

I believe this to be a question of personal preference, but here are some suggestions based on different guys’ styles in the sack:

For the conceited stud: 2001: A Space Odyssey

This movie about a large, black, phallic monolith from outer space prominently features Richard Strauss’ classical piece, “Also sprach Zarathustra.”  The song rides a slow, pounding drum beat into an epic climax that reeks of pomp and self-importance…perfect for those narcissistic guys who can’t have sex unless there’s a mirror involved.

For the premature ejaculator: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

You’ll want to turn this movie off after about two minutes, which is, unfortunately, all the time some guys need in bed.

For the hopeless romantic with a sense of humor: Mannequin

Five words: “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now.”  It’s the song that made Andrew McCarthy fall in love with an animate department store dummy (played by Kim Cattrall) in the quintessential ’80s flick, Mannequin.  That being said, I think it’ll do for you and your human girlfriend.

For the guy who can’t get it up: Rudy

Even the most lamest of lovers will be spurred into action upon hearing the “Tryouts Theme” from this football classic.  With its heartfelt strings and thunderous horns, you’ll have all the inspiration you’ll need to split her uprights.

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CAQ #6: IF I HAVE SEX WITH SIAMESE TWINS, IS THAT CONSIDERED A THREESOME?

If you have sex with Siamese twins is it a 3some? Or does it really just matter how many vaginas there are?

-Ian P.

Now here’s a doozy.  It’s questions like these that Descartes and Kant would have turned over in their minds if banging Siamese twins was fashionable back in their day.  First off, whether it’s considered a threesome or not, having sex with Siamese twins is an impressive feat all by itself.  But if you really need to know, here are my two cents on the matter:

In the eyes of the law, Siamese twins are two, distinct persons, so you can technically consider amorous relations with a set as being a threesome.  However, that’s operating under the assumption that both twins are into you.  It’s entirely possible that one twin wants to have sex with you, but the other does not.  In that case, the other one is just along for the ride and cannot be considered a willing participant in your now defunct threesome.  (Think of it as being forced to drive a friend to McDonald’s, even though you’re not hungry.)

The second part of your question concerning the uh…anatomy, well, that adds another layer to the mystery.  After much deliberation, I don’t think the number of hoohahs present really matters.  For example, if you were to have relations with someone who has three vaginas, you can’t brag to your friends how you just scored with three girls.  I think all that matters is how many heads/brains are attached to the body with which you’re having sex, and whether or not all of them are into it.

In short, what it boils down to is free will.

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CAQ #5: WHEN IS IT OKAY TO FART IN FRONT OF MY GIRLFRIEND?

In the realm of females and flatulence:

-What do you think is the appropriate amount of time you need to be with a chick before you start tearing ass in front of her?
-Where do you stand on girl farting? (Is it cute? Gross? Just a myth?)

-Mike A.

A two-part question about chicks and farts – what is this, a Bush press conference?  (Remember that guy?).  Despite my making fun, this is actually a very serious subject.  I’ve seen many a relationship go down the shitter (literally) due to matters of the sphincter. Let’s start with the first part of your question.

Knowing the right time to fart in front of your girlfriend is just as important as knowing the right time to introduce her to your parents, or the right time to let her know about your secret, homoerotic fascination with Chris Pine.  (Just me? Okay.)  So, what’s the answer?  Never.  That’s right, you should never fart in front of your girlfriend.  Confused?  Well, my answer to the second part of your question will explain my answer to the first.

Where do I stand on a girl farting? Is it cute? No. Is it gross? Yes. Is it just a myth? Bingo.  The girl-fart is, indeed, a myth because it MUST be.  Girls aren’t supposed to fart, because that would be gross.  So, in our minds, we need to convince ourselves that girls aren’t capable of farting.  How do we do that? We agree that if they don’t fart, we won’t either.  Out of sight, out of mind, right?

This might seem extreme, but trust me, it’s the only way to go.  Once you fart in front of your girlfriend, it’s telling her that it’s okay for her to do the same.  And that, my friend, is a door not worth opening.

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